Lang Zai

This was disturbing. Was I really like this? Am I still like this and perhaps I was just more honest back then? I hope not. Anger is not what this blog is going to be about. It's going to be about me. I live in a new reality now.

Here are my hobbies and interests (things that I love): eating, food, cooking, carpentry, furniture building, Chinese contemporary art, my dog Angie, RPG video games, world music, TV shows, movies, home organization, pathology, laboratory medicine and improv comedy. I hope to talk about all of these at some point.

Until then I would like to mention that I quit smoking 5 days ago. I am in an agony. Not nearly as bad as when I stopped drinking but I've been snippy, rude, grumpy and fearful. Last night I was hanging out with Jess and I said I would buy her a pack of cigarettes if I could just have one. Why would I do this instead of just buying a pack and throwing out the rest myself? Because this is me trying to involve someone else in my own bullshit. This is me positioning a scenario in which I can remove blame from myself because I am immature. I was rather insistent, putting pressure on Jess and I think I owe an amend.

Though I should mention that I actually am going to buy a pack and keep three. I am doing this knowing full well that I have been doing incredibly well the past 5 days and that this is a mistake. At least I'm not involving anyone else in my own bullshit.